Firstly a profound apology – I once more find myself neglecting those who have supported me and followed me and helped me across the depths of cyberspace; I thought I’d post something up here only to notice that my last blog entry was November last year! I did make a promise to be more proliferate (and I’d hoped the coffee would help get me back to that state of artistic enthusiasm I’d displayed before!). But once again I let the real world – or at least the one that pays the bills and drives me to up the black coffee intake – push my artistic pursuits to one side. And so I send you all my deepest apologies and I promise I will try.
Time does seem to slip like silky sand through my fingers, especially if I don’t keep an eye on things and all I wanted to achieve is left in a messy pile on the carpet (and it takes an age to vacuum it all up again). So now I’m trying some positive thought to get me out of this ditch I fell into. The sides looked far too steep to climb and for a while I was getting myself resigned to a life lived with the annoying pain of unfilled dreams. The sides of the ditch seemed to be getting steeper and muddier and no matter how hard I tried to climb it just made my clothes damp and dirty and made me feel ever so tired and weary.
I’m not a religious person and I don’t believe in God (whichever God – and I know some of you do which is fine – I used to work for a Church based organisation of which there were several flavours of Christianity that some of my colleagues believed in so therefore in general religion was not discussed and therefore harmony was achieved). I do believe in the power of people – it is within each of us a power for good and bad, an ability to create or destroy and that includes ourselves. And so I started to try to believe in myself.
Now I’m not getting carried away, I’m not going to start thinking I’m the ‘new’ anything or any better than a million other people who write, sing, compose paint etc. but I am going to start believing that I have some talent, enough to continue and above all feel happy in it what I do. Yes I’d love to have recognition which is where you wonderful people come in, a little bit of kindness and kind words go a long way.
In short I am trying to concentrate on the good things I have, to push those bad things to the back and not let their negative nagging get the better of me. Well let’s see how it goes.
You will have to excuse me as I seem to be suffering or is that experiencing a little bit if a legal high! I have been a fairly conservative drinker of different beverages for all my life with the usual liking for regular coffee (with milk), strongish tea (with milk) plain drinking chocolate and the odd flavoured variety of instant chocolates. I have had periods of abstention from caffeine based liquids (especially when in my teens when I was particularly taken by the a lovely young lady whose religion enforced a rule that meant, meant, refraining from taking any drugs including coffee and tea – my bubble was well and truly burst when I saw her in the pub with a pint glass in one hand and a large unfiltered cigarette in the other!).
Recently I have started to experiment a little with drinks as part of my diet, trying to find a drink that is both interesting and tasty and at the same time keeps my wondering mind away from calorific food! Yes that does mean I end up spending more time in the little room (or very little room in my house – it’s so small we call it the ‘porta-loo’) but at least I’m not piling on the pounds by munching on cake and biscuits etc.).
Anyway I have just discovered espresso coffee! I did try it a long time ago and it tasted like thick bitter tar so I kept to the mild stuff. But I thought to myself why not give it another go so I bought some instant espresso whilst out shopping and quite simply I love and want more! The jar doesn’t give any clues as to the dose needed so I’m gradually increasing the number of spoons full needed (I’m on three heaped ones so far).
I don’t think it’s effected me too much and I don’t seem to be babbling too much and I do feel VERY awake. I think now I’ve tried the instant stuff I may be able to take the full strength ‘real’ stuff they provide in cafes and I may actually start to take special trips to try it…
Now I want to explore more, I need to find just the right taste, just the right flavour, just the right hit! I was saving for Christmas (sorry I used the ‘C’ word but I find I can’t resist it as the TV is now full of adverts which will soak us all in the spirit of good will and cheer and give us all a painted on smile by December 1st) but think I may have to use that money to buy more very strong coffee! Can you help any advice as to which is best?
Just one other question I need you fine friends to answer; is it possible to get a place in rehab if I try to dry out?
Anyway I need another cup I’ve not had one in the last ten minutes and I think my fingers are quivering just a touch and I need a hit to steady my tattered nerves! See you soon! 🙂
With a voice like ice on fire, melted to the virtual skin of a blood soaked threat
With a wit to sear the tone of deliverance and chill the bones of men
With a pain that breaks the heart and fills my eyes with tears
With a love that never wants what you just can’t have