Over time I often find
The little things I left behind
Under rocks the crawly things
A world of seething wriggling life
Sideways glances withering looks
My word my heart a hidden nook
Down down a spiralling chase
Will I forgive that mocking face
You will have to excuse me as I seem to be suffering or is that experiencing a little bit if a legal high! I have been a fairly conservative drinker of different beverages for all my life with the usual liking for regular coffee (with milk), strongish tea (with milk) plain drinking chocolate and the odd flavoured variety of instant chocolates. I have had periods of abstention from caffeine based liquids (especially when in my teens when I was particularly taken by the a lovely young lady whose religion enforced a rule that meant, meant, refraining from taking any drugs including coffee and tea – my bubble was well and truly burst when I saw her in the pub with a pint glass in one hand and a large unfiltered cigarette in the other!).
Recently I have started to experiment a little with drinks as part of my diet, trying to find a drink that is both interesting and tasty and at the same time keeps my wondering mind away from calorific food! Yes that does mean I end up spending more time in the little room (or very little room in my house – it’s so small we call it the ‘porta-loo’) but at least I’m not piling on the pounds by munching on cake and biscuits etc.).
Anyway I have just discovered espresso coffee! I did try it a long time ago and it tasted like thick bitter tar so I kept to the mild stuff. But I thought to myself why not give it another go so I bought some instant espresso whilst out shopping and quite simply I love and want more! The jar doesn’t give any clues as to the dose needed so I’m gradually increasing the number of spoons full needed (I’m on three heaped ones so far).
I don’t think it’s effected me too much and I don’t seem to be babbling too much and I do feel VERY awake. I think now I’ve tried the instant stuff I may be able to take the full strength ‘real’ stuff they provide in cafes and I may actually start to take special trips to try it…
Now I want to explore more, I need to find just the right taste, just the right flavour, just the right hit! I was saving for Christmas (sorry I used the ‘C’ word but I find I can’t resist it as the TV is now full of adverts which will soak us all in the spirit of good will and cheer and give us all a painted on smile by December 1st) but think I may have to use that money to buy more very strong coffee! Can you help any advice as to which is best?
Just one other question I need you fine friends to answer; is it possible to get a place in rehab if I try to dry out?
Anyway I need another cup I’ve not had one in the last ten minutes and I think my fingers are quivering just a touch and I need a hit to steady my tattered nerves! See you soon! 🙂
I’ve not managed to do any writing for a while but I’m not sure why. I’m thinking it could be one of two things; either my fear of writing something turgid and banal or becoming too involved in the process that time dissolves and I have to break off at some point and come back down to the real world!
It’s the same with a few other things I ‘do’ like music: I love to compose my songs and time flies when I practice (and no I’m avoiding picking up my guitar too I’m afraid.
Once more the days grow shorter, the sun looses it’s strength and the season of ‘good will’ creeps towards us like a grinning fool full of mirth and promise. I’ve not had the best of years and some of the negative things have left me feeling less than inspired so I can blame that for some of my ‘block’ but I will have to take the plunge at some point. What do you think?
With a voice like ice on fire, melted to the virtual skin of a blood soaked threat
With a wit to sear the tone of deliverance and chill the bones of men
With a pain that breaks the heart and fills my eyes with tears
With a love that never wants what you just can’t have
Do you know any answers? Can you see how the world works when the night falls in pitiful shades of gray, dampening the light from a weak sun filtered through clouds of melting mountains? Is it good to say I ache from the machinations of a crowd that pushes me in all directions with angry power? Once I stood naked before the mirror and saw a man not yet old and no longer young but I didn’t see me, I couldn’t see me. Why can people only glimpse that part of us that boils and simmers with some parts rage some parts love? Am I going mad when I remember you from so long ago as though it was only this morning? You were so fresh and new and I wanted you more than the air I breath. Is it brash to lay down my feelings like so many open sores to be eaten away by time? I dream in colours so vivid they hurt my eyes and pulses of pain seep deep, laying trenches in my conscious waking life, can I survive or sink into a spiral of hurt?