Tag Archives: vainity

Ghosts

Nothing can twist your heart and mess with your mind more, nothing can slice through your soul with more ease like a hot knife through butter.  Chills tingle down the spine, goose bumps pop with a shivering touch, a face from whenever and more.

Does your memory scare you, does it pick those perfect moments to whisper a name or  flash a thought that sinks your heart?  Do you find a revery in solitude but sob at the loss of something you can’t quite touch?

As you sift through your life, events build, time gathers more than dust.  The bitter with the sweet, the warmth with the chill, the ecstacy with the depths of despair.  Your time here is mixed and melted and ground and salted with tears.

You are alone in a vast seething crowd, you are a speck on the beach, a single mind in a sea of thought.  But even when calm, even when the softness of love holds you close, then is the time.  Beware the ghosts.

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Max Wall – The New Style Guru!

I now have conclusive proof that a star of yesterday, indeed a veritable god of the music hall , is now the guru of fashion for many teenage girls the world over!

It suddenly hit me on a little shopping trip with my lovely wife as she grazed the ladies section of Primark.  I spent the time daydreaming as you do and nodding in all the right places (though it has to be said she nearly bought some quite garish leggings in a not very subtle mix of pink yellow and indigo).

As my mind meandered around various topics that included my next meal, if I’d ever get to mow the grass this year without risking electrocution and the intricate minutiae of world politics I noticed various gangs of young ladies, mobiles/cells clutched to breast, arms linked.  They hunted in packs, orange faces aglow, each with matching ‘bun’ hairstyles (though they did have some variety with blonde, ginger or black colour quite popular) with lower extremities crammed into tight leggings that looked as though they’d had an argument with the feet department.

Some ladies did have quit sensible shoes (delicate sandals etc.)  but others had quite plainly decided to were slightly heavier foot attire (just in case they were trampled by any careless heavy footed fellow shoppers I presume).  And for the life of me I couldn’t at first decide what or who they looked like!

Then it hit me.  Well slightly after my wife anyway – she didn’t appreciate the way my eyes were following the said lady gangs and being unable to read my mind had decided it was a lust thing rather than a puzzle thing!  The slap across my face did the trick and lo and behold the face of Max Wall appeared!

Now dear old Max has not been with us since 1990 – 23 years can you believe it!  So I very much doubt these fashion conscious young people will have heard of the comedian who died aged 82.  Max’s trade mark silly walk and tight leggings made them roll with laughter for many years but how clever of some fashionista, some savvy young designer to see a market for such garb…  now if only I could find another long-lost star to raise to these exalted heights of teenage coolness?  Here are a few suggestions:

Jules Leotard (yes a real person before you scoff)

Sir George Robey

Jimmy Cricket?

Ah well lets see shall we and if  you have any suggestions I would be ever so glad to see.

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Ambition

In my efforts to be more positive I was thinking the other day about what drives people and what the difference is between the also rans and the winners? And relating that to me personally.

Despite my singular lack of quantifiable success in my chosen arts of music and writing, for instance I have no published works as yet (other than a modified academic dissertation on the merits of blended learning – you can still find this if you look hard enough on the Internet – in fact I have just spent an hour searching and I can no longer find it..). But does that make me a failure?

I can point to several aspects of my character and events in my life that perhaps could give some clues as to why you don’t see me name plastered over bedroom walls or a hot topic on the entertainment news. For a start I’ve read countless accounts of how the successful person sacrificed a ‘normal’ life in the pursuit of success: no happy love life, no settling for the ‘easy’ life no friends… perhaps I wasn’t ruthless enough?

I did sack one of my drummers in my ‘band’ days – the guitarist was really good and told me he’d stay if we fired the drummer; I did and he didn’t. She was not the hottest drummer in the world and really just starting out. But we were not the new Beatles anyway and at that stage were struggling to get gigs at local retirement homes! She was very dedicated and I felt so bad I still have bad dreams about it to this day – where are you now Louie Moon (and yes that really was her name but unfortunately no relation to Keith)?

Dedication. That’s what it takes. Well I am dedicated and I’m still trying as I approach my mid-century. I’ve had to sacrifice a mad rush for a steady attack which probably means that even if I did have any musical talent I have probably missed the boat (it sailed without me and they’ve since built a tower block where the quay was – I’ve been trying to extract myself from the foundations but they make the cement pretty tough these days).

With my writing (as with my song writing) I sometimes get a kick and think ‘yes that’s pretty good somebody should like this I should be massive!’ but that only last about a minute or so then it’s back to the day job (and wondering if I should fix the toilet seat first, look at my petrol costs for the week and if I can afford a holiday to Blackpool or not this year or ask myself if I should really splash out on a new CD this week)?

So do the really successful people forget about the basics (leave the toilet seat broken and forget holidays to exotic locations)? I think there are many people, probably really talented ones who’ve done the sacrifice thing and ended up broken and with nothing; you only hear about the successful ones not those left begging on street corners or pushing an old shopping trolley babbling into their long crusty beards ‘I coulda been a contender… I coulda been a star..’.

I’m hoping I get discovered which really means having the ‘luck’; a much misunderstood word which does need a bit of talent (though from the number of ‘famous’ people these days who don’t seem to have a talent for anything other than being ‘famous’ I’m not too sure about that) and being in the right place (or slush pile my fellow writers) at the right time.

The stories of very successful writers who have submitted their now lauded work so many times they had a block booking with the post office, only for a secretary or cleaner to rescue their magnum opus from the bin (and then have a word with the boss) is heart warming (but probably very rare – perhaps there may be a little more chance of a dodo being discovered in London Zoo posing as a penguin?).

Of course there are many people out there fooling themselves that they are the next big thing and perhaps they are wasting their lives plugging away with the vain hope that somebody will recognise their undoubted talent? Am I one of those? Well the point is I wouldn’t know (I’m really half way on this – sometimes I do find myself dreaming but usually another voice pops up and verbally slaps me awake).

I think with a little more time I have enough talent to get published and even if I don’t I like writing. I expect to spend my life doing exactly what I’m doing now and I don’t expect to get anywhere but that won’t stop me. And you never know some cleaner may see my manuscript and not use it to mop up her spilt coffee. Chances are though I’ll stay a very exclusive artist. Thank you and good night you’ve been a lovely audience – now where did I put my trolley?

(You an also find some positive success stories relating to my work here: http://www.connectingforhealth.nhs.uk/systemsandservices/icd/informspec/etd/tqicasestudies/northstaffs.pd – I’m still looking for my academic document…)

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Coffee!

You will have to excuse me as I seem to be suffering or is that experiencing a little bit if a legal high!  I have been a fairly conservative drinker of different beverages for all my life with the usual liking for regular coffee (with milk), strongish tea (with milk) plain drinking chocolate and the odd flavoured variety of instant chocolates.  I have had periods of abstention from caffeine based liquids (especially when in my teens when I was particularly taken by the a lovely young lady whose religion enforced a rule that meant, meant, refraining from taking any drugs including coffee and tea – my bubble was well and truly burst when I saw her in the pub with a pint glass in one hand and a large unfiltered cigarette in the other!).

Recently I have started to experiment a little with drinks as part of my diet, trying to find a drink that is both interesting and tasty and at the same time keeps my wondering mind away from calorific food!  Yes that does mean I end up spending more time in the little room (or very little room in my house – it’s so small we call it the ‘porta-loo’) but at least I’m not piling on the pounds by munching on cake and biscuits etc.).

Anyway I have just discovered espresso coffee!  I did try it a long time ago and it tasted like thick bitter tar so I kept to the mild stuff.  But I thought to myself why not give it another go so I bought some instant espresso whilst out shopping and quite simply I love and want more!  The jar doesn’t give any clues as to the dose needed so I’m gradually increasing the number of spoons full needed (I’m on three heaped ones so far).

I don’t think it’s effected me too much and I don’t seem to be babbling too much and I do feel VERY awake.  I think now I’ve tried the instant stuff I may be able to take the full strength ‘real’ stuff they provide in  cafes and I may actually start to take special trips to try it…

Now I want to explore more, I need to find just the right taste, just the right flavour, just the right hit!  I was saving for Christmas (sorry I used the ‘C’ word but I find I can’t resist it as the TV is now full of adverts which will soak us all in the spirit of good will and cheer and give us all a painted on smile by December 1st) but think I may have to use that money to buy more very strong coffee!  Can you help any advice as to which is best?

Just one other question I need you fine friends to answer; is it possible to get a place in rehab if I try to dry out?

Anyway I need another cup I’ve not had one in the last ten minutes and I think my fingers are quivering just a touch and I need a hit to steady my tattered nerves!  See you soon! 🙂

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Writer’s Block or Cowardice?

I’ve not managed to do any writing for a while but I’m not sure why.  I’m thinking it could be one of two things; either my fear of writing something turgid and banal or becoming too involved in the process that time dissolves and I have to break off at some point and come back down to the real world!

It’s the same with a few other things I ‘do’ like music: I love to compose my songs and time flies when I practice (and no I’m avoiding picking up my guitar too I’m afraid.

Once more the days grow shorter, the sun looses it’s strength and the season of ‘good will’ creeps towards us like a grinning fool full of mirth and promise.  I’ve not had the best of years and some of the negative things have left me feeling less than inspired so I can blame that for some of my ‘block’ but I will have to take the plunge at some point.  What do you think?

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Keep On Running

I’m in the midst of a new ‘thing’ which is actually an old ‘thing’ dusted off and given a new lease of life.  I have started to run again.  Now I know we’ve just had a summer of Olympics with sport everywhere but it really has nothing to do with that, honest.

As you may know if you’ve been reading my posts here I have been trying to lose weight for most of this year (and have done pretty well I think) but I’ve got to a point where very easily I could slip back into bad eating and unhealthy habits (plates stacked full of plain chocolate biccies, pizza, buns, pizza and off course lots of… pizza).

In my 20’s I did lots of exercise (circuit training, weights, running…) and for a short time felt pretty good about that side of my life.  But my knee decided it would complain (I had been abusing it and making it take my increasing weight after all so there are no hard feelings; we actually get on pretty well now apart from the odd twinge here or there).

I’m not sure how long this ‘thing’ will last but I am intending to try to continue past the point where I have attained and am maintaining my target weight (nothing exciting, I’m not wanting to be a stick insect after all my wide ‘child baring’ hips won’t let me).  Perhaps I’m going a bit mad but I’m managing a run every other day of roughly about 2-3 miles; I’m not sure I’m a natural, I do seem to be getting overtaken quite a lot by little old ladies in their 90’s (many in very fetching bright pink outfits) and with my face a match for any Post Office mail box (bright red for those of my overseas readers) I may not look the healthiest of chaps as I huff and puff my way around but I am feeling better!  I am!

There does seem to be a lot of us around along with cyclists so I don’t feel too lonely.  I even saw one lady brave enough to take her dog with her; I wouldn’t get far with mine as he likes to inspect every patch of grass which means a regular walk with him takes about an hour for a few hundred feet of travel!  I remember in my first fitness attempt in the 90’s I took our lovely dog for a jog and nearly ended up with two broken legs; he enjoyed playing with my feet as I (tried) to run.

Anyway must dash, I feel the urge to hit the road, to feel the joy of the road; in short I must keep on running!

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Unrequited

With a voice like ice on fire, melted to the virtual skin of a blood soaked threat
With a wit to sear the tone of deliverance and chill the bones of men
With a pain that breaks the heart and fills my eyes with tears
With a love that never wants  what you just can’t have

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